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The Loneliness Question – A Health and Wellbeing Series
Briony Montgomery, the Founder of The Somatherapy Collective.
The disconnect within
A Q&A with Briony Montgomery, Founder of The Somatherapy Collective
Briefly …
Loneliness doesn’t always come from being alone. Sometimes it shows up in the middle of movement, connection, and full days – when we feel disconnected from ourselves. As our ‘Loneliness Question’ series draws to a close, Briony Montgomery examines the distance between feeling grounded within ourselves and experiencing the world.
From 2000 to 2001, Briony Montgomery spent time travelling, and despite being surrounded by people, she felt deeply lonely. “It was not about being alone. It was about not feeling like I belonged anywhere. What stood out most was the contradiction. I felt connected to the world around me yet disconnected from myself. I was travelling to find myself and in many ways I did, but I also came face to face with parts of myself I did not yet understand.”
That experience shaped the work Briony does today. Through her The Somatherapy Collective, Briony sees how often people feel disconnected even when they are not physically alone and supports and helps them to understand loneliness through their body and nervous system.
You describe feeling connected to the world but disconnected from yourself. How did that tension show up for you while you were travelling?
It showed up as a quiet, almost invisible dissonance. On the outside, my life looked expansive – new countries, conversations, movement and beauty. I was engaging, connecting, and adapting. But internally, there was a subtle absence … a sense that I wasn’t fully inside my own experience.
“But internally, there was a subtle absence … a sense that I wasn’t fully inside my own experience.”
Through the lens of somatic psychotherapy, I now understand this as a nervous system pattern, what Polyvagal Theory describes as partial social engagement layered over underlying activation (Porges, 2011). My system was functional but not settled. I could meet the world, but I wasn’t deeply meeting myself. This often happens when the body has learned to prioritise adaptation over embodiment. You can be highly capable, highly relational and still feel internally unanchored. The body remains in subtle vigilance, scanning, adjusting, never fully landing. And that creates a very particular kind of loneliness, one that exists even in connection.
Many solo travellers set out with the idea of “finding themselves”. What do you think we often misunderstand about that process?
We misunderstand the direction of the journey. “Finding yourself” is often framed as something external – that clarity will arrive through distance, novelty or experience. But from a somatic perspective, the self isn’t something you discover out there. It’s something you reconnect to within. And that reconnection is physiological.
Research in attachment theory shows us that our sense of self is shaped through relational safety through attunement, co-regulation, and the body’s experience of being met (Bowlby, 1982). If those patterns have been disrupted, the nervous system can default into survival states like flight, fawn, or freeze.
Travel can amplify those states. You can keep moving, keep seeking, keep consuming experiences, but if your nervous system doesn’t feel safe enough to slow down and feel, you won’t ‘arrive’ within yourself. So the real work isn’t about going further. It’s about building the capacity to stay connected with self in the body.
Your experience suggests loneliness can surface even in moments that appear full and vibrant. Why do environments rich in people and movement sometimes heighten that feeling?
Because high stimulation doesn’t equal safety. Busy environments, crowds, constant movement and social demands increase sensory input and unpredictability. When the nervous system is pushed outside its optimal range (Siegel, 1999), we move into hyper-arousal (anxiety, vigilance) or hypo-arousal (numbness, disconnection). You might be surrounded by people, but internally, your system is either overwhelmed or shut down – and in both states, true connection becomes difficult.
“You might be surrounded by people, but internally, your system is either overwhelmed or shut down – and in both states, true connection becomes difficult.”
Loneliness is often treated as something to solve quickly – a gap to fill with people, activity, or distraction. But from a somatic perspective, loneliness is often information. It’s the body signalling a lack of safety, a lack of attunement, or a lack of internal connection. It’s not about proximity to others. It’s about whether your nervous system feels safe enough to receive connection. If the body is bracing, scanning, or protecting, you can be in the most vibrant environment in the world and still feel profoundly alone.
Through your work with the body and nervous system, what are some simple ways someone can recognise when disconnection is happening internally?
Disconnection is often subtle and the body always signals it. Some of the most common somatic indicators include a sense of being outside or slightly detached from your body, shallow, held, or irregular breathing, persistent mental activity (planning, analysing, scanning), emotional numbness or flatness, difficulty feeling pleasure, presence, or connection, and a compulsion to keep moving, doing or distracting. These are not flaws. They are adaptive responses.
The nervous system is always working to protect you. Understanding your own patterns, how your system moves into activation or shutdown, is foundational. Because once you can recognise the shift, you can begin to gently bring yourself back. When we begin to understand the nervous system, to work with the body rather than override it, we create the conditions for genuine connection. We stop abandoning ourselves in order to belong. We stop performing connection and begin to feel it.
You speak about building a sense of belonging within yourself. What does that look like in practice for someone on the road, moving between places and experiences?
Belonging is not something you wait to feel. It’s something you practice. And it begins in the body. For someone moving between places, this can look very simple but profoundly regulating, such as pausing to feel your feet on the ground, lengthening your exhale to support nervous system settling, noticing your environment slowly – colours, sounds and space without urgency, creating small, consistent rituals (morning tea, a walk, journalling) that signal safety, and allowing space for stillness.
These practices support the vagus nerve (a key component of the parasympathetic nervous system) that plays a central role in emotional regulation, connection, and a felt sense of safety (Porges, 2011). Over time, these moments build capacity, and this capacity is what allows you to stay present, with yourself, with others, with life.
“Over time, these moments build capacity, and this capacity is what allows you to stay present, with yourself, with others, with life.”
Ultimately, belonging is not something the world gives you. It’s something your body learns to experience. And from that place, connection becomes not only possible, but sustainable.
Sources
Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. Norton Professional Books.
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: retrospect and prospect. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 52(4).
Siegel, D. (1999). The developing mind: toward a neurobiology of interpersonal experience. Guilford Press.
You can connect with Briony via The Somatherapy Collective website here https://www.thesomatherapycollective.com/
You are not alone. If this topic resonates more deeply than expected, it may help to speak with someone you trust or reach out to a support service in your area.